THE SECOND IN  A SERIES OF ARTICLES

 ON  PARENTING

How to be a better parent!

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THE IN-BIT-TEEN YEARS

HANDLING TEENAGERS

By Tim Middleton

The problem with parenting is your children grow up!  (Actually that should read: ‘ONE of the problems of parenting’ but that is another story!) Just when you think you have mastered the art of raising your child, she changes and seems to take on a whole new identity.   So then it is back to the drawing board, back to the parenting books, and for some, it is backs to the wall.  At no stage is this more true than when the child metamorphoses overnight into a totally new creature, which will, for a number of years, go by the dreaded name of TEENAGER!

These are in the in-between years, when the child enters that stage between childhood and full adulthood, but perhaps it could just as easily be the in-between years for he parents, as they pass from sanity to senility, from conviction to contrition.

The question is, therefore: how can we pass from one side to the other with confidence and with success?

I simply venture to offer a few thoughts, not as an expert with degrees in psychology, but as one who has spent time with teenagers in this twilight zone, and as one who has seen them meet a new dawn as well.  And the way to reach the Wonderland (when the teenager has become the adult) is to go through Never Never Land.

NEVER SAY “NEVER”

My first piece of advice is a plea for a true and honest perspective when you view your child.  Never say, “My child would NEVER do (or say) that!” (And don’t say, “I will never say that” - parents of pupils have said that to me many times in the past when I know the child has indeed done that!) The pressure on young teenagers nowadays is great (though not as great as they would like to make out, I believe, but that is another story!) and while they may have behaved like absolute angels all through their childhood years, with all the physiological (try getting into the bathroom now), social (try using your phone now), educational (now they know everything) changes they go through and with all the different influences in their lives now, they do have the ability to do and say things they would never have done or said before. 

After all, you were a teenager once and just how much did your parents know about what you did at school, in town, at night?  Your teenager may well do things you never imagined he would, but it is better that you are prepared for it, if it does come, than to pretend that it will never happen.

NEVER SAY “LATER”

If you start preparing for the teenage years when your ‘baby’ is almost a teenager, it may be too late.  The best time to prepare for adolescence is when the child is young.  The really successful parent is the one who has prepared for it from when the child was a baby.  Never say, “I will cope with it when it comes along”.

NEVER SAY “I KNOW MY CHILD”

I have often encountered parents of teenagers who tell me that they know their teenager but I have seen their teenager in a very different situation, which has shown that the parents do NOT, in fact, know their child, mainly because they have been blinded by their child’s deceit or their own wishful thinking.  The teenager might just delight in proving you wrong.  Do try to know your teenager but always expect a new insight!

NEVER SAY “AAAAAARGH!”

In other words, don’t be shocked by what your teenagers may have done.  If there is no extreme reaction, they may well get bored of doing it and resort to previous habits.  You may well be shocked, stunned, embarrassed, speechless, and much more besides, but don’t show it.  Stay calm and in control!  Remember, teenagers want to push authority and enjoy an extreme reaction.

NEVER SAY “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!”

Often an act of defiance is a cry for help, for the attention which may be denied the teenager at such a critical time for him, when everything in his world seems to be changing radically and when he needs help (even if he does not want to admit it because it would appear ‘un-cool’).  Furthermore, teenagers are now reasoning creatures – they are being encouraged and trained to think for themselves – and so they deserve to be heard.  Do care about what they think – you do not have to accept it but they do want to know that they have a voice, a say, an idea.

NEVER SAY “WHATEVER!”

The teenage years are not the time for parents to give up their responsibility of training their child.  Yes, the teenager can think for himself – yes, the teenager can make some decisions for herself – but he or she must still have boundaries.  Teenagers cannot be given a free licence simply to do what they feel, let alone think, is right.  It might give you a few slightly more peaceful moments in the short run to say “Just do whatever you want”, but it will give you far more stressful times later.  The teenager must still be told what is acceptable and what is not. ‘Whatever’ is a teenager’s response, not a parent’s!

NEVER SAY “NEVER COME HOME AGAIN!”

Because they won’t – and you will rue that comment for years and years.

NEVER SAY “I TOLD YOU SO!”

You have warned them but it won’t help reminding them.  In fact, their pride (a precious thing in teenage eyes) will be dented even further.  The Prodigal Son in the biblical parable was simply welcomed warmly back into the fold. You can do no better than to follow that example.

NEVER SAY “BECAUSE I SAY SO!”

They are tired of hearing that, and anyway, if that is the only reason you can think of for their not doing something, is it really a valid reason?  Yes, they must respect authority, absolutely.  But authority must respect individuals.  “Because I say so” may work for younger children, especially when there has been a collection of “Whys” prior to it, but teenagers are different, not because I say so, but because they are learning to reason more.

NEVER SAY “WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE YOUR YOUNGER SISTER?”

There is nothing a teenager hates more than being compared to someone else.  They want to discover who they really are and do not want to conform to certain images others may have of them.  And what is worse, to be compared to a younger sister – oh boy!  You have been warned!

NEVER SAY “YOU LOOK SO CUTE / SWEET”

Cool, yes; smart, maybe, but cute, NEVER!

NEVER SAY, “WHEN I WAS A BOY…”

After all, the teenager is not really interested in ancient history.  And what has a history lesson got to do with it?

NEVER SAY “IF”
Let’s rather deal with reality, with definites, with the present situation.  “If you hadn’t messed around”, “if you had come home on time”, “if you had gone out with that other boy”, “If you had only listened” – it doesn’t really help.  Teenagers rather need help to deal with the situation they are in now.

NEVER SAY DIE!

My last piece of advice is “never give up!”  Things will get better!

Teenagers do pass through adolescence and with the right assistance, will appear on the far shore as responsible, respectable and reasonable people.  What’s more, they are worth fighting for, struggling with, standing by, every bit of the way.  And if you let him/her know that, you will have helped her/him. And yourself, greatly.  Your teenager won’t stay as Peter Pan, as someone who doesn’t grow up, if you have visited Never Never Land with him/her.  What’s more you won’t have aged in the process.

And, by the way, enjoy them!  You can!

SURVIVAL KIT

An Alternative List of Essential Items for Parents to Survive the Teenage Years

• Ear muffs (to dull the sound of their music. Alternatively, your own ipod might do the trick)
• An up-to-date car insurance (fully comprehensive)
• A plentiful supply of handkerchiefs (to wipe away all the tears that may well come, if you are not prepared)
• Deep pockets (to manage the endless requests for money)
• A kind and understanding Bank Manager (for the same reason)
• Hair restorer (to replace all the hair you have pulled out)
• An endless supply of good books (to while away the hours waiting for your teenager to come home)
• A loud alarm clock (to try to waken the teenager in the mornings)
• The telephone number of your local police station (purely for social reasons, of course)
• A spare bathroom (enough said)
• A spare razor (sons AND daughters will be after yours)
• Spare clothes (daughters, especially, like their dad’s shirts…)
• A good lawyer (to sort out your estate)
• A dictionary of the language of teenagers (for understanding only.  Don’t try to use it as it just won’t work)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NEEDED FOR

A PARENT OF A TEENAGER

• A sense of humour (otherwise you will cry)
• Thick skin (for the times they may ignore you, insult you, ingratiate themselves, while all the time not really meaning it at all)
• Powerful imagination (to believe all the stories, the excuses)
• An ability to count to 10 (when the anger lurks dangerously within)
• Unconditional love (because let me tell you, it will be tested to the very limits)
• Biblical inspiration (you will need the patience of Job, the faith of Abraham, the wisdom of Solomon, the stamina of Paul, the strength of Samson, the management of Nehemiah, the trust of Mary, but not the number of descendants that Abraham had, as remember, they will all become teenagers too, some day…)
• A good memory (to remember what you did as a teenager)
•  Eyes that will speak more than words, arms that are longer than sentences
• A discernment to know what is important in the midst of all the pressure
• A desire to delight in the wonderful potential in your teenager.  Be proud of him!

(This article first appeared in the Edgar’s Store magazine in Zimbabwe).