THE FIRST IN  A SERIES OF ARTICLES ON

 PARENTING

How to be a better parent!

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DON'T LOSE 'WAIT'

DON’T WISH YOUR CHILD’S LIFE AWAY

By Tim Middleton

“I can’t wait!” How often do you hear someone say that?

Before you answer that, ask yourself how good you are at waiting.

Do you wait until your birthday to open your present?  When you do, do you take your time, savouring each moment, or do you tear the paper off in two seconds?  When you wait in a bank queue, do you use the time well by reading a book or something else, or are you looking at your watch every two minutes, silently fuming?

“I can’t wait!”  We hear it all the time, from people of all ages in all sorts of situations.

“I can’t wait to go to school!” says the young child.

“I can’t wait for the end of term!” says the same young child only a few weeks later!

“I can’t wait for Friday night!” says the teenager first thing on Monday morning.

“I can’t wait for going-home time!” says the employee at morning tea.

Sad words.  Words of wasted time, missed opportunities, weary sentiments, closed eyes, frustrated feelings, impatient energy. Sad too, because there is nothing you can do about it.  So, wait a minute.  In fact, wait longer than a minute! Wait and consider where such thinking is taking you.

These very same words are often used by parents regarding their children’s lives.

“I can’t wait for him to be out of nappies!”  All that means is that you cannot stand cleaning nappies.  Instead, why not learn from the nappies?  They remind you that your child is helpless, is dependent entirely on you.  They remind you of your complete responsibility.  All too soon, you may be wishing that your child was more dependent on you.  You will wish for that same innocence and simplicity.

“I can’t wait for her to crawl!”  Are you tired of holding her all the time?  Do you not think that all that bending over and holding her up you have done, to say nothing of lack of sleep, has given you a distorted view of the world?  Don’t you realise that once she gets going, you’ll be running around after her, that you’ll never have the time again when you can sit and watch her?

“I can’t wait for him to walk!”  Are you constantly tired of retrieving the baby from under some table or bed or from his fascination with the stove?  How are you going to feel when he is walking and getting round much quicker?

“I can’t wait for her to talk!”  Are you sick of the gurgling?  Can’t you appreciate that communication is not just the ability to talk?  Instead, appreciate the very special means of communication that only those within the family can understand.  When she does start to talk, you may never get another word in edgeways!

“I can’t wait for her to go to school!” Are you looking forward to sometime to yourself?  Have you considered how lonely you might be, wondering what exactly you were planning to do when this magic moment arrived?  Won’t you miss those special moments when time was plentiful and you weren’t caught up in timetables, homework, afternoon activities?

“I can’t wait for him to get his driver’s licence!” All this means is that you are fed up being the taxi driver for your children.  One day you may wish he could not drive, as you never seem to have your car to yourself now and he is off to parties in it, while you lie awake, anxiously waiting for his return!

“I can’t wait for her to leave home!”  Have you considered it may just be her music you need a break from?  When the moment does come, you will probably find it hard to walk past her room, find yourself sitting on her bed remembering all those special moments in her life and wishing that you have that time back.  You might even turn on the music yourself to remind you of her!

“I can’t wait for him to get married!”  Are you tired of cooking for him and his girlfriend all the time?  When he does get married, have you thought that you will have a much smaller place in his life?

“I can’t wait for grandchildren!”  Are you missing all the things you wished away with your own children?

So, what can be done to get things going a bit quicker?  The short answer is, nothing!  There is nothing you can do to speed things up.  You just have to wait.  It is not a matter of “I can’t wait!’ – you must wait!  How do you do it?

Realise the significance of each day

There is a purpose to each day, each stage, which we must understand and accept. The wise saying, “you cannot run before you can walk,” suggests that some things require more maturity and therefore they must come in their right time.  A wise man recorded that “For everything there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die…’  The baby needs to spend that time in nappies, crawling, exploring the stove.  The teenager needs to have that time not driving.

Each stage of a child’s life must be treated patiently, wisely and consistently and ENJOYED!

Realise each day, each moment has value

If things are handed to you on a plate, whenever you want them, you do not fully appreciate them.  But when there has been a wait, when it has been earned, then it has greater value and will therefore be more carefully handled.

Realise each day, each stage, has a place

In the development of things, each stage is a preparation for the next.  The first five to seven years of a child’s life are the most crucial ones.  The whole of the rest of the child’s future depends on that period of time.  Appreciate it and use it well by building on your relationship, established through the nappies, the gurgles, the lack of sleep, the explorations of the stove……… A friend told me when my son was born that my work would start in seven years time – but if I had waited those seven years I would have missed the most crucial years of his life and would not enjoy the relationship I do today.

Enjoy each moment you have

Enjoy each stage your children go through.  Do not let yourself have a life of regret, where you wish you had done more or had had a more positive approach at a certain time of your child’s life.  Everything passes – the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult.  Each stage passes too, all too soon so enjoy it while you can.

Use each opportunity you have

You cannot recover lost opportunity.  Many schools have the motto “Carpe Diem”, which means “Seize the Day”; in other words, make the most of every opportunity you have.  I have extended that motto to one of my own, “Seize and Squeeze”, meaning grab each opportunity forcefully, energetically, totally and drain it dry, take every last drop from it, and enjoy it.

We need to squeeze every last drop from each stage of the child’s development in order for him to benefit from it for the future.  In schools, pupils can sometimes repeat an academic year of studies but in life, we cannot repeat a stage of our development, so we must use every opportunity we have.  We must make what we can of every stage of our children’s lives and not go into pause mode at any time.

Live each day, each stage as it comes

There is a danger when we say “I can’t wait!” that we imply we have something better to do.  “I can’t wait forever in the petrol queue!” – yes, but you can’t do without petrol either!  Perhaps you are really frustrated with the powers-that-be in getting you into this situation, but this is the way it is, here and now and how you cope with it can make it a useful time or an extremely stressful one.

Do you apply this maxim to your children? Do you really have something better to do than take care of them?  Are they not important too?  Each stage of your children’s development is as important as the next.  Each stage is the responsibility of each parent, so make the most of it and don’t live with regret!

In the scientific world, being “weightless” defies the laws of gravity.  In the same way, being “wait-less”, or not waiting, defies the laws of eternity and the laws of responsibility.

You only have your child for a short time, a time that will go faster than you can ever imagine. Your child is on loan to you, an investment for which you have a daily responsibility.  In our instant, modern world, we have become so used to getting what we want NOW that we have forgotten how to sit back and enjoy the moment.

Live each day as if it were your last, for one day you will surely be right.

(This article, written by Tim Middleton, first appeared in the Edgar’s Store magazine in Zimbabwe)